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03.16.02 okay, i have some time now, i suppose i should do a real update. hmm. let's see. maybe i will just backtrack. it's easier on the memory that way. this morning, my dad came into my room at like 8:30, and wanted to know if i wanted to go out to breakfast with him and charles wade. i wanted to be mad at him for waking me up, but he didn't actually wake me up, because i have a pyscho body that wakes up like a 8am on weekends. so, i agreed to go and got up. we went to mrs. mcdonald's, and for once, i didn't order sos. i got an omelet, with bacon and cheese and avocado, but it wasn't as good as ihop's or soscol cafe's. but hey, at least now i know. and i can order sos guilt-free, knowing that it's my favorite thing on the menu. last night, jess and i hung out. we wanted to go watch the school's production of grease. but kirsten called me at work to do a little venting, and while she was talking, she mentioned that grease had been sold out. what?!? ugh. so, jess and i didn't end up seeing it obviously, which was a bummer. we just kind of had a low key evening. we went to kinko's to make copies of a bunch of adam and em pictures for his book. then we wandered over to target, to try to find some stuff for her to send to the boyfriend for their one month anniversary. it was really cute. she found a great (manly!) frame for him to put a picture of them in and a box for all of their stuff and a card and such. i am not sure if she will do more, but the stuff we found was cool. then we just went back to my house and cut out magazines and chatted. she talked online to her boyfriend for awhile, which was fine with me. i was happy just being with her. we don't have to be doing anything superexciting. i have been so irritable, short-tempered, basically bitchy this week. i went to a full week of school and that might have had something to do with it. i just had no tolerance for anything. for the most part, except with the people i am closest with, i am restrained. if they do something that pisses me off, i just brush it off. i don't call them on it. i just let it go. but i wasn't letting anyone get away with shit this week. if you were being a brat or rude, i called you on it. i am sick of people acting stupid. so, i think i snapped this week. i lost all self-restraint (what little i had anyway...) it was an odd feeling. i hung out with ben on thursday night, which was really great actually. we basically just watched tv for an hour and a half. everything was low key and not awkward at all. i liked just lounging around, watching mindless television and not having to worry about anything. i want to hang out with that kid more. i went to adam's swim meet earlier in the day. i took charles. my dad was coming home, and if i had waited a little bit for him, i might have been able to go by myself, but i think i wanted to have charles there. i didn't want to be there alone, because i knew mackenzie was going to be there, and i thought i might feel tense or awkward or out of place, and i wanted to have someone else there with me, even if it was a 2 year old, and also something to keep me occupied. it worked out, because charles was really intimidated by all of the people and the noise and such and so he stuck really close to me, so i didn't have to worry about him wandering off or getting into anything. i love watching adam swim. that's all there is to it. but just being there made me uncomfortable. especially when she came. because i know she saw me, yet she didn't say anything or wave and i just felt so bad. i don't know. there's never going to be a point where the 3 of us are all getting along. for awhile, me and kenz were doing okay, trying to work stuff out, and then she and him talked the other night and now i envision my relationship with her going down the tubes. it's all just too hard. so, when i was leaving and he was walking me out to my car, i was feeling a bit down. he hugged me and got water all over me. he wiped it off my face, which i love. i think it's a sweet gesture when someone just takes care of something like that, instead of telling you that you have water on your face and making you deal with it. plus, i love his hands on my face (i used to hate it, but now...). but our goodbye was kind of bad, just because i felt like crap. i called his cell phone a bit later, after i got home and told him that i wanted him to come over if he got a chance, just because i hated the way i had said goodbye and i wanted to make it happy. so, he showed up a bit before dinner time, which was fine, because my family just ate without me and i ate later. it was much better. i am glad i called him and i am glad he actually came over. we goofed around and were silly and then were cute and all in all, i felt really good about the afternoon, instead of feeling bad. everything with me and him is fine. it's just all of these damn external forces. today is 5 months, by the way. yay. so, let's see, i think the day before that, he and kenz had their little conversation. i won't really go into it, because it doesn't make me feel too good and i don't even really know what to say about it. but i am glad for his sake that they talked, because i know it's something that he wanted to deal with. whatever comes of the conversation, we shall see. flynn and i think are doing better. we hung out one night this week. oh, it was the night that adam was talking to her. we kind of talked about some stuff. i (calmly) made some points that i wanted and i heard what she had to say, though i felt like i knew it all already. but it's so much better being happy with her than being unhappy. such is always the case, i guess. but anyway, she's being cute lately and also hanging out with some people that i know she likes but doesn't spend a lot of time with, so that makes me feel good. hmm, i am trying to think what else happened during my week.... i am sure i will think of more later. perhaps i will write. perhaps not. for now, that has to be enough. -emily
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